I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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