I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
