That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
