I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
