I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
not ubering you a puppy
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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