my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Come on in and take your pants off
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