9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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