I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
