i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
