It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
