you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
