In the future we'll all be gay
I CAN MOONWALK!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
