I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You can't motorboat a personality
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
