You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
