Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
