I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
