I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
