i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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