Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
