when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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