if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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