you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
