Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
