Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
