Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
A+ Viking dick
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
