70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
