mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
