Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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