while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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