You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
