my mouth tastes like poor choices
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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