yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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