Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
