you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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