so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
