I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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