R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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