i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Oh god it's open bar.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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