so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
