i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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