I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
