So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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