I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
