you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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