Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
