Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
