He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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