He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
