my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
