He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
