can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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